The best conspiracy theory story i've ever read.

Back between 1998 and 2000, I got a library pass in high school and found an open computer. I had an assignment to use a meta search engine and report on what I found. I liked droids from star wars, and aliens, and time travel. I searched for “droids time travel aliens story”. First link was a page of ASCII characters that resemble the old BBS news feeds. The thread was started by someone claiming to be blond haired blue eyed guy who claimed to be the grandson of Adolf Hitler. My teacher was Jewish so I figured this thread would rile her up a bit.

He introduced himself as Hans Hitler, Heir to the Third Rich, Leader of the UGG (United Government of Gaia) Guardian of Mankind. He detailed how Germany had won WWII by Nuking Mecca, Adolf had 3 daughters from Eva Braun-Hitler, and he was the only son out of 12 grandchildren. He was born in 1973, educated at Oxford, England where he majored in Archaeology and History, class of' '94, then was appointed to faculty at the university of Alexandria, recently rebuilt in Egypt after the Purge of the sub-human Muslims and Africans from the wild continent. There he taught the first class of Ancient Egyptian Pharaohs, and led several field trips through the excavated corridors under and through the Sphinx. Two students leaned against a wall around a corner from the main group and opened a hidden chamber. He found them half undressed, but excused their behavior because of their find. Inside the room were depictions of a story handed to the Pharaohs from the survivors from Atlantis, who were handed this story from the survivors from Ancient Sumerians. This story told of Wsjr (Osiris) and Seth, and how Ra (the Sun) had granted Wsjr the kingdom of Timat (Earth) orbited by Luna and her sisters, and Seth the kingdom of Inanna (Venus) orbited by Mars. But the Dark enemies Ra had fled from to create this solar system chased him down and threw Nibiru (tenth planet, a proto star) at the kingdoms of his grandchildren. As Nibiru pierced our Solar System with its three moons, Nibiru tore four moons from Uranus and tilted Uranus’ orbit. Nibiru then pulled Gaga, Saturn’s largest moon, into clockwise orbit (between Neptune and Uranus). We now call Gaga Pluto. Nibru's moons smashed half of Timat, now called Ceres and the asteroid belt, and pulled Mars away from Inanna and changed the heavens as Ra struck out at Nibru for daring to harm his grandchildren. Ra pulled half of the light away from Nibru before it fled back to the void from whence it came. Nibiru had lost three of its moons but gained four from Uranus. Timat then collided with an icy moon and resettled in the third orbit from Ra instead of its former fifth, Mars split from Venus to occupy the fourth. Ra cursed the darkness for generations fighting the light it had pulled from Nibru until he had finally contained its evil. The Story then told of How Seth's kingdom on Inanna became toxic and fled to mars which was freezing, its people dying. He called out to Ra to bring him back in pair with Inanna to save Mars, but Ra was fighting the light he had pulled from Nibiru. Seth turned to Osiris for help, but Osiris was busy stitching the two broken halves of rock and water together into a planet. And so Seth sat and waited until he too froze with his kingdom, in his throne room inside the largest mountain once lit by lava and the last bit of his kingdom to freeze.

Hans took notes and had his class take pictures of everything with their video recorders. He received a commendation for his efforts and pushed for expedition to mars to look for remnants of Seth's frozen empire. After all, since the Moon base was just becoming self sufficient, it was time to push that horizon once more, and who better than Hitler's grandson?

Four long years later the expedition rocket was launched from the back side of the moon, using its orbit around earth to reduce the fuel required to reach Mars at its closest point. Three long months and thirty emergency burns later he was landed on mars at the foot of Olympous Mons near some natural caverns, which was picked as the most likely place for Seth's throne room. Exiting the craft, they took the propaganda picture from outside the spacecraft. The plan was to film him walking into the cave with a tool belt. What happened was he tripped over the first rock in his path, and cracked his helmet. Everyone scrambled to get his emergency patch applied, he then kicked the rock as hard as he could, which knocked loose, and spun as it flew, and looked back at the explorers from its long dead eye sockets. Hans had nearly died from tripping over a human skull on mars. Hans shakenly turned over the next rock near him, another skull. Hands shaking, he turned over another dozen. The last skull was not human. Captured live on Video his freakout scream was broadcast across the void back to Earth. He had landed in a grave site of humans and aliens on Mars. Upon seeing the video, Adolf come out of retirement. One long speech from Grandpa Hitler later, he pulled himself back together and got to work. Nine months before the next supply ship arrives, six of those spent excavating their landing site, and finding the the bodies these skulls belonged to, and the unidentifiable metal armor they were wearing, and the Mechanical Men composed of the same metal that lye in melted pieces throughout the grave site.

The worst part of this metal was that it did not melt with the tools they had available. Not even when subjected to the heat of the ships Atomic core chamber. The fact it greatly suppressed the reaction was their first clue it had similar properties to lead, but was considerably heavier and had shape memory similar to titanium, but was much to heavy for titanium alone. Yet among the corpses this metal had clearly melted from combat wounds from an unknown weapon. This prompted Adolf to give another public address to the world.

“Honored are the Dead of Mars! Today Marks the day that our eyes are finally open and free from the mythology of religion, that had distorted the truth of our Origin and History. On Mars, Frozen sister of Gaia we find our ancestors fighting in a war we know nearly nothing of, except that their enemy was not human. The Corpses recovered from Roswell, New Mexico have skulls that match those recovered from Mars, which have been lying in the dust for thirty five thousand years. Our Enemy that our brothers fought and died against on Mars are still watching us, abducting us at their whim for thousands of years, destroying our atomic weapons, shooting down our aircraft, But was that enough? NO! Our ancestors were knocked back to the stone age because of them! We had to relearn to crack the atom Because of them! Rebuild space flight because of them! We had to stumble around in the ignorance of religion for thousands of years because of them!

We have known at an instinctual level that we are at war, but we have wrongly turned that instinct against each other when we should have turned it against those dick-less grey midgets. That is why i have sent word to our industry across this world to ready them selves for war time production. Why i have sent word to the professors of every ancient university to pick the brightest minds from all of their students, and send half to Mars to document and salvage any wreckage they can find, with the other half spread across Gaia in labs to replicate any advances the Mars team deciphers and send the most promising results to our heavy industry for full production which is why our Moon base will be greatly expanded and transformed into Shipyard Luna over the next 3 years!

Honored are the Dead of Mars! Their sacrifice will not be in vein, for the Children of Gaia will take up the sword of Mars and we will show these Grey Bastards who the Uberminch truly is!”

Wartime production of rocket ships to scavenge and return ancient human weapons to earth was any sci-fi nerds wet dream. And yet this was reality for Hans. Three long years of documenting everything while pulling strings to search for Seth's “Throne Room” which he dictated was religiously distorted designation of the base's command center. After they found it, and started bringing in lights to illuminate the interior, other lights from the corridor came to life. Bringing in more light, and focusing it in blue colored sections of the walls, the corridor then lit up, and a door cracked open in the wall.

“Get in here, there is no Time!” cracked from the radio system. It was broadcast across all frequencies, originating from inside the room. Stepping inside, he crossed a shimmering veil, followed by half of his colleges. Several alien corpses lay around the room, with several times as many human and machine men parts scattered around the room. 2 machine men were welded against the wall near the door Hans walked through. Slumped over on the throne, or command chair in a room resembling the bridge of the star ship enterprise was an exact copy of himself. Blond hair, blue eyes, no space suit. He was bleeding out from a hole in his stomach.

pt 2 in a comment, 10k character limit.